day

these past 24 hours have been really hard. last night you told me you thought it was best if we didn't skype because you were tired and needed to get to bed early. but we didn't stop texting until 10 which isn't much earlier than we usually get off. you said you were only up because you had to wait for the dishes to be done, so why couldn't we have skyped while you were waiting for them to be done?

i did what i could to make sure i would be able to see you last night because that's all we have. that's the only time we get to see each other. i don't get to go do things with you, or hang out with you, skype is all we have so every time we don't get to skype, i get sad. and yes i probably blow it way out of proportion and i'm sorry for that. but i can't be sorry for being sad that i don't get to see you when that's always the best part of my day. the only thing i ever look forward to anymore is skyping with you and when i don't get to have that it's like i'm lost. i don't know what to do with my time when it's not spent talking to you. i know that sounds really bad, it's like i'm addicted to you. but i can't help it. i love you so much. i promise that i do have fun when i'm with my friends and at work but that doesn't mean i don't miss you. i think about you every second of the day when i'm not talking to you.

i don't know if i just get more upset that we don't get to hang out. i know you think i'm being unreasonable but when this is all i get to have for the next few years, i don't think it's unreasonable. i never meant to make you feel like you were letting me down or always disappointing me. i hate knowing that i upset you and make you feel that way.

you know how you ask me if i ever think about breaking up with you.. i have to be honest and say that last night i did. i couldn't get it off my mind how much easier a relationship would be with a guy who lives here, to have a guy i can spend time with besides from anywhere between 8-11 at night, to have a guy i can see in person for more than 3 weeks a year, to have a guy i can just call and go to his house to watch a movie. it would be soooo much easier. but then i thought about my life with out you, and that pain was worse than the pain of not having you here with me. this long distance thing is the hardest thing i've EVER had to do in my life. i hate being so far away from you, i hate not having any guarantees of when i get to see you or talk to you. i hate not being able to go places with you like a normal couple. but i would hate not having you in my life even more. i can't imagine not being with you. it would be easier to just give up on this, to try to move on and find someone else to be with. but that's not what i want to do. i don't want to lose you and i don't want to give you up.

some times i'm afraid that you'll leave me. especially today. because i know a lot of times i'm unreasonable and a pain in the butt. some times i think i'm too emotional and you won't be able to deal with it anymore. that terrifies me so much. i'm so hooked on you and so in love with you, i can't let that happen.

baby i'll do whatever it takes to make this relationship work. but i need you to tell me what i have to do to make things better, to not make you feel like your failing me all the time, to make you see that i love you and want nothing more than to be with you.

it's hard for me because you say that you want me to be open and honest with you, not to keep anything to myself, to let you know when i'm upset about something. but then you always think it's ridiculous when i'm upset or sad, so it makes me not want to tell you. i just don't know what to do about it anymore, so i need you to tell me what to do. because i can't lose you, i can't let you leave me and i'm terrified that you're going to.

then there's tonight, i don't know if i'll get to see you again and that's soooo hard. the only other time we've gone this long with out skyping was when i was at kids camp. it's hard for me to not see you. but i want you to be out with you friends, i want you to have a good time and enjoy yourself outside of your house.

i just love you chris, i want you to be happy and i really hope that you're still happy with me.